@LegoGodzilla

[first date]

GIRL: When you said “fitness freak” in your profile, this isn’t what I expected

HALF-MAN/HALF-TREADMILL: It was an old photo

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@amishschool

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

@GlennHowerton

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

@Darlainky

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

@JustDontBugMe

[Wedding]

Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.

@DanKCharnley

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

@stephenjmolloy

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

@lovemydogduck

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

@bourgeoisalien

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

@shopkins776

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

@sweetg35

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.