[first date]

GIRL: When you said “fitness freak” in your profile, this isn’t what I expected

HALF-MAN/HALF-TREADMILL: It was an old photo

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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.


Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.


I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.



Dad: it’s considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony.

Me: Yeah, I know. It’s why I’m facetiming him.


Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.


Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”


Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”


First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice


Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them


The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.