@jergarl

[first date]
her: are you financially stable?
me:*pulls an avocado out of my pocket and slowly places it on the table

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@LlamaInaTux

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

@jordan_stratton

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

@IvoryGazelle

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

@Parkerlawyer

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

@meganyyb

Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?

@TheAlexNevil

Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.

@trustedshoe

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

@fro_vo

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

@ValeeGrrl

6yo: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU

8yo: AND ALSO WITH YOU

When their Star Wars obsession mixes with that time Nana took them to Catholic mass.