Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
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when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Room with a view.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Respect
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*