friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
her: are you financially stable?
me:*pulls an avocado out of my pocket and slowly places it on the table
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I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
6yo: MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU
8yo: AND ALSO WITH YOU
When their Star Wars obsession mixes with that time Nana took them to Catholic mass.