Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
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How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
found this cool rock hiking today
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.