[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’