[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
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Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry