[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
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my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.