*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
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I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, “does this taste funny”, the other replies “No”.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
What is the deal with beverages being called Dry, you are literally lying
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”