I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
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Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Jogging
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual