[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
You Might Also Like
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
went fishing caught a bass
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”