[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

You Might Also Like


MOM: always open the door for a lady
[later on date]
ME: Let me get that for you [reaching under stall door for lock] please stop screaming


Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “


I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am


The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.


I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game


I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to make new friends. I say to myself in my pajama pants, in my house all day, with my ringer off.


Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.


These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.


I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will enjoy my scrambled eggs.