@Big_Cat74

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

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@BoozeWallet

MOM: always open the door for a lady
[later on date]
ME: Let me get that for you [reaching under stall door for lock] please stop screaming

@krisv_723

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

@GretchenVB

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

@just1fool

The trick to a good AVI is finding your best characteristic and flaunting it. I obviously am a fan of my nostrils.

@_CherriAnn_

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game

@Divergentmama

I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to make new friends. I say to myself in my pajama pants, in my house all day, with my ringer off.

@daveexplosm

Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.

@CMHorrocks

These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.

@zachv86

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will enjoy my scrambled eggs.