[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
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If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
In case you needed to hear it:
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I have a black belt in leather
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.