[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
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The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
who wants to go expliring
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”