I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
HER: Do you have any hobbies?
ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?
HER: No, hobbies
ME: Oh, then no
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Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?
“I’LL BE BACH.”
You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
DEMON: hey now
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
oh my god, i need this to be me in 20 years