Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
HER: Do you have any hobbies?
ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?
HER: No, hobbies
ME: Oh, then no
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*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I hate when I’m cruising in my convertible, hair blowing in the wind, then realize I’m just sitting on my ride-on lawnmower. Drunk. Again.
Parenting is all about wanting to say, “No one cares, honey” 100x a day AND NEVER DOING IT.
Producer: Um what’re you guys doing?
Singer: Ending the song
Producer: You don’t have to fade out. We’ll do that in here.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.