@QwertyJones3

[first date]

HER: Do you have any hobbies?

ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?

HER: No, hobbies

ME: Oh, then no

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@mommywhitfield

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

@Diversion50

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

@boring_as_heck

Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem *car honk* he didn’t have access to the record scratch sound effect

@sarcasticmommy4

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

@SkylarTessier8

Insta before videos: hey look at my sushi !
Insta with videos: hey look at my sushi for 15 seconds !

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

@SarcasticAlly12

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

@justabloodygame

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

@lisaxy424

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

@DirtMcTurd

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones