@QwertyJones3

[first date]

HER: Do you have any hobbies?

ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?

HER: No, hobbies

ME: Oh, then no

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@sixfootcandy

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

@heiditron3000

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

@Jandalize

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

@ImaFlyontheWall

Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.

@daemonic3

[during sex]

HER: I want you to make me scream

ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*

@Bownuggets

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

@AntozWolf

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

@jonnysun

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

@WheelTod

[Walking my chihuahua]

Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”

Me: “Sure. Go ahead”

*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers

Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”

Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”

@isaaaa

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.