Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
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i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I need better friends
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Yup.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
i smell a pulitzer
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
This made me smile…
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.