@QwertyJones3

[first date]

HER: Do you have any hobbies?

ME: Yes! Wait, did you say “hobbits”?

HER: No, hobbies

ME: Oh, then no

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@sixfootcandy

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

@crunkdumpster

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

@lil_dead_girl_

You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.

@briancthayer

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

@panmidwest

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

@graceupongracie

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

@nbadag

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

@toddedillard

asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla