My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Eat…
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.