Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
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*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?