[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
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[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
The future is now.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.