[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
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Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
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4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is