@thatdutchperson

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

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@BerrryDLite

Coworker: My arms are killing me from hoeing in my garden this weekend.

Me: Thanks but I’d rather not hear about your sex life.

@kumailn

I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.

@jmooallem

In the waning days of 2016, anything can happen. Even mystery pants.

@dinokitten

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

@HepatitisAtoZ

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

@onedogsopinion

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

@JMFnSparks

The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want

@DVSblast

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

@RapeyRaperton

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

@sixfootcandy

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.