Coworker: My arms are killing me from hoeing in my garden this weekend.
Me: Thanks but I’d rather not hear about your sex life.
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna go see the new Annabelle movie just to watch a less evil entity on a screen.
In the waning days of 2016, anything can happen. Even mystery pants.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”
-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
The best part about having a homeless girlfriend is after our date I can drop her off wherever I want
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.