@CommonSavant

*First Date*
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*

You Might Also Like

@neerjagurnani

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

@Lindsieeee

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

@FloodyHippie

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

@Gupton68

When my kids were young, I considered starting a business renting them out to friends who were tired of being asked by moms and nannas when they were going to start a family.

Now I’d just give them away to the first reasonably normal looking person who asked.

@GlennyRodge

COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.

@RaxKingIsDead

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

@lukeplusone

I was conceived at a Pink Floyd concert, and while I’ve gone on with my life, my parents are still there waiting for them to finish playing Dark Side of the Moon.

@UncleKermit

If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.

@tsm560

*puts on a tuxedo*

I’m here to lodge a formal complaint.

@sageboggs

ME: why am I always anxious? maybe watching TV will help-
NEWS: IF THE HURRICANE DOESN’T KILL YOU, CLOWNS WILL