Worker: can I help you?
Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*
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Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
are they bowling to represent soup??? or to win soup???
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
A urinal! *pees in sink*
FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff
ME: are u sure
F: just do it
M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*