*First Date*
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*

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The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.


My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!


I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.


When my kids were young, I considered starting a business renting them out to friends who were tired of being asked by moms and nannas when they were going to start a family.

Now I’d just give them away to the first reasonably normal looking person who asked.


COMPUTER: Enter password

ME: [types ’14days’]

COMPUTER: Your password is two week

ME: Uh?

COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.


do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor


I was conceived at a Pink Floyd concert, and while I’ve gone on with my life, my parents are still there waiting for them to finish playing Dark Side of the Moon.


If I won a billion dollars, I’d help so many people. I’d help them into my deadly tank of man eating sharks under my evil lair.


*puts on a tuxedo*

I’m here to lodge a formal complaint.


ME: why am I always anxious? maybe watching TV will help-