I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
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Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Get in loser we’re going crying
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.