[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
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I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.