@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I like a man who’s well-informed.

ME: [trying to impress] The couple at the next table are getting a divorce.

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@SnizzleFrizzle

Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”

He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

@iwearaonesie

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

@DannyZuker

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

@portmanteauface

Sleeping out in the country is so relaxing. The cool breeze drifting through your open windows. Clear night skies filled with every star in the universe. Crickets so loud you start thinking you have tinnitus

@HomeProbably

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

@mayamanion

Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.

@Rich_McCarthy

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

@TheRealD_Martin

Every time I do something nice for my girl other girls ask “Where can I get a man like you” Right here baby, I cheat.

@NrouteHQ

44.65

*click*
44.87

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44.96

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44.98

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44.99

*click*
45.01

~ gas pumps