sigh
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…