sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
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My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Stop sending me this shit.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.