Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Her: I like bad boys
Me: Could you hang on a minute?
*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*
Me: Go on…
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I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
The eighth habit of highly effective people.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Witnessed the best party exit of my life yesterday: an adult told the six-year-old, “I like your unicorn backpack.” The girl paused on the steps and, without even casting a backwards glance, said, “Maybe you can get one someday.” Then she disappeared through the doggy door
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
God: you’re really fast.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].