penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Her: I like bad boys
Me: Could you hang on a minute?
*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*
Me: Go on…
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JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*moves 2 ft over, puts on tie, nods*
ME: thats correct ur honor
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
PRANK TIME: tie your friend’s shoelaces together and when he tries to walk throw a wolf at him
I see the ‘pet rocks’ are back and fighting too!
*Rolls in 6ft diameter granite boulder*
*Folds arms, taps foot*
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.