@jamdugg

*first date*

Her: I like bad boys

Me: Could you hang on a minute?

*Returns 20 minutes later just soaked in blood*

Me: Go on…

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@HardlyUnDead

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

@donni

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

@dannyboy7813

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

@Shenaniglenns

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

@britrbennett

Witnessed the best party exit of my life yesterday: an adult told the six-year-old, “I like your unicorn backpack.” The girl paused on the steps and, without even casting a backwards glance, said, “Maybe you can get one someday.” Then she disappeared through the doggy door

@Bownuggets

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

@maisonshouting

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].