Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.