[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
You Might Also Like
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Netflix: We have Less
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so