[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
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Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Pikachu found the lost joint
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.