“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
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*sees Salvation Army bell ringer*
“Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!”
“Sir, we don’t accept children.”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
[Going through rubble after a house fire]
Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined.
Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Here at Nickelodeon, we’re constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child’s head should be shaped like.
Your serial killer name is your first name + your middle name + your last name
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
4-year-old: With cheese?