[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

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Isn’t it cool that stamps are like a sticker…but with a job


Hot lady mouse looking for good time. Any mouse will do boy mouse or girl mouse. Groups preferred. Meet in woods AT NIGHT. Will be a hoot.


Anyone who doesn’t believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.


Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?


[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*


M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!


M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!


Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.


Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g


Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.


Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*