[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

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Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?


My wife got upset when I asked her to take out the lavender scented trash bag, proving that lavender doesn’t have any calming effect


I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.


I’m not having a hot girl summer I’m having beautiful but delicate Victorian wife summer where I lie in bed for extended periods of time staring at wallpaper and slowly losing grip of my sanity


Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?


NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.


[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell


Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom


*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here