Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
You Might Also Like
My wife got upset when I asked her to take out the lavender scented trash bag, proving that lavender doesn’t have any calming effect
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I’m not having a hot girl summer I’m having beautiful but delicate Victorian wife summer where I lie in bed for extended periods of time staring at wallpaper and slowly losing grip of my sanity
Sometimes I’ll break into a house to turn down a thermostat
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here