@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?

@Chhapiness

My wife got upset when I asked her to take out the lavender scented trash bag, proving that lavender doesn’t have any calming effect

@TheCatWhisprer

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.

@scarlettwith2ts

I’m not having a hot girl summer I’m having beautiful but delicate Victorian wife summer where I lie in bed for extended periods of time staring at wallpaper and slowly losing grip of my sanity

@Shade510

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

@Marlebean

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

@handsock_butts

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

@thedad

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

@PoodleSnarf

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here