[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
You Might Also Like
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
.. do you even science?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*