Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to check your backseat for murderers! Haha! No, but seriously bring me a coke it’s hot in here.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.
“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.
“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming “There’s still time”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?