@TheAndrewNadeau

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

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@truegritrumble

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

@karanbirtinna

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

@Playing_Dad

[On a date]
*Don’t let her know you’re a dog*
Girl: Do you want to…maybe go for a walk after this?
*starts running in circles going crazy*

@

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@Robski_Boy

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

@fuqtarded

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

@UncleDuke1969

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

@JessObsess

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

@envydatropic

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters