[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
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If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Only a mother’s love …
blocked.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?