[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
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Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys