It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
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I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐