@Jerrypleasure

[First Date]

Her: I love One Direction

Me: *to impress her* I carry a compass

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@GrantTanaka

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

@Home_Halfway

FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don

@jimmytorosian

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

@bromanconsul

GIRL NEARBY: I’m breaking up with you, Kevin. You don’t talk about Pokemon enough.
[I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]

@DrakeGatsby

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

@Ygrene

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

@StellaRtwot

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

@AimeeHelene1

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)