*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Her: I love One Direction
Me: *to impress her* I carry a compass
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Daughter: are ghosts real?
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
FRIEND: Don is flying in tomorrow
ME: My cousin Don or Amazing Hearing Don?
[I get a text] Amazing Hearing Don
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
GIRL NEARBY: I’m breaking up with you, Kevin. You don’t talk about Pokemon enough.
[I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
*steals your snacks, runs away
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)