The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak