@SondraDeeMe
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
@psybermonkey
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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@SondraDeeMe
@OctopusCaveman
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
@david8hughes
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
@Darlainky
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
@Eden_Eats
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
@ZackBornstein
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
@Iwriteforcats
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
@MikeyHill_
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
@rickkondell
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
@ComedicBust
[Commercial]
“Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?”
Me: YES
“Maybe it’s time you re-evaluate your life.”
Me: [heavy sigh]