@psybermonkey

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

You Might Also Like

@TheDeadfishSays

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

@BlindVigil

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

@NoahGarfinkel

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

@JohnLyonTweets

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

@candygrlMT

Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.

@david8hughes

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

@itsnashflynn

you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak