[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
You Might Also Like
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Me: how are you
Friday: good
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
PLEASE READ
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …