[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
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If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.