[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants


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This girl tweeted “You might be ghetto if you bring outside food into the movies.” …No, you might be stupid if you pay 4.99 for Skittles.


I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.


Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny


I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.


I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.


Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.


Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on


[dont let him know you’re a sponge]

Waitress: *spills drink on table*

GERONIMO *bellyflops on table* SPRAY SOME CLEANER I GOT THIS oh damn


Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots