[First date]

HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants


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People who push and shove to get on a flight before other passengers are possibly going to get to their end destination one second faster.


Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]


My cat threw up a hairball on our couch, and my dog cleaned it up. No need for a Dyson anymore.


interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged


When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.


“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.


[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did


youre telling me life is just about moving around during the day and then lying motionless at night? like some kind of backwards night at the museum?


*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!


To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.