[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
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Weirdly Wednesday.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.