One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
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Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
[ugly sweater contest]
*takes home the gold*
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Blossom: So you like that?
Blossom: Are you saying stop?
Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Son: dad, where do vegans come from?