*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
You Might Also Like
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.