[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

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Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?



Her: Can I have my money back please?!


The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.


If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.


Spend hours getting screaming baby to sleep.

Check on sleeping baby.

Can’t hear breathing…prod sleeping baby



The world is full of terrible people, but there’s none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.


high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”


My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.


Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?


May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”