@Ygrene

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

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@russhigher

I just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.

@Broo_Swain

idaho is my favorite state that sounds like a woman who’s comfortable with her own sexual indiscretions

@david8hughes

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

@KylePlantEmoji

“Bro I hate my eyebrows”

“You serious bro?”

“I think they’re too big, bro”

“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”

“Bro :’)”

@robyn_vo

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

@niccolethurman

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

@simoncholland

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

@Gre_Gone

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.