[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
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I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
My neck, my back, my…
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.