@Ygrene

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

You Might Also Like

@stewteee

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

@skedaddle74

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

@1halfof2

If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.

@DumbAlias

Spend hours getting screaming baby to sleep.

Check on sleeping baby.

Can’t hear breathing…prod sleeping baby

Repeat

@Just_Lee_

The world is full of terrible people, but there’s none so evil as the man who fries bacon right next door to the gym.

@c_always_wright

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

@thepunningman

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

@dethbycofee

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

@SmithWit

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”