*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
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Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
superman landing like a plane on his belly
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
🤣🤣
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one