@leannuh

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

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@JustinGuarini

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

@lisaxy424

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

@AndrewProTV

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

@AbbyHasIssues

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

@hipstermermaid

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

@squirrel74wkgn

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

@PajamaBenLaden

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

@JimmerThatisAll

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

@HuntPoindexter

My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.

@UncleDuke1969

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*