You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
You Might Also Like
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*
Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*