*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

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My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.


It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*


Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.


missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night


ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?


Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME


Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.


[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho