@leannuh

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

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@CYComedy

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

@sixfootcandy

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

@thejessbess

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

@AbleLikes

missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.

MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?

@Mike_Bianchi

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

@david8hughes

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho