*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
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I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.