@T_Bonezzz_

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

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@shutupmikeginn

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

@fillthevacuum

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

@Dustinkcouch

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

@batkaren

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

@SamGrittner

Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!

@lmegordon

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.