[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
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Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.