[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
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IT’S-A ME,
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
girls literally only want one thing..
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
same vibe as tangled headphones
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.