@Sickayduh

[First date]
Her: I’m really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park
Me: *looking under table* you didn’t bring your dog?

You Might Also Like

@Lerky

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

@HorryPuttor

“Your password is weak”

You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love
Or friendship
And I feel sorry for you

@junejuly12

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

@iamspacegirl

my son kept whispering “perfect sandwich” over and over while he made a sandwich and now he won’t even let me try it

@SteveSuckington

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

@ThisOneSayz

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

@lovejulieacafe

I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.

I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.

@AtticusFinch79

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

@OtherDanOBrien

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”