@david8hughes Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
@Sickayduh [First date]
Her: I’m really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park
Me: *looking under table* you didn’t bring your dog?
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@david8hughes 
@AnkCoupleTO [almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
@lmwortho I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
@Cpin42 Has science gone too far?
@itsallbollocks Before paying a psychic, test them with a surprise punch
@lyric_intent The most awkward part of being the first person to write something down, was then explaining to everyone that they were now illiterate
@NewDadNotes Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
@BunAndLeggings [ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
@TheMichaelRock I wonder who Rose is going to kill in Titanic II.
@DaddyJew 5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands