I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Her: I’m really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park
Me: *looking under table* you didn’t bring your dog?
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“Your password is weak”
You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love
And I feel sorry for you
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
my son kept whispering “perfect sandwich” over and over while he made a sandwich and now he won’t even let me try it
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
“Is the Book Report any good?”
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”