@Sickayduh

[First date]
Her: I’m really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park
Me: *looking under table* you didn’t bring your dog?

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@david8hughes

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

@AnkCoupleTO

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

@lyric_intent

The most awkward part of being the first person to write something down, was then explaining to everyone that they were now illiterate

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

@BunAndLeggings

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

@DaddyJew

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands