Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
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Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
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Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I’m giving up for Lent.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?