approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
You Might Also Like
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month