@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?

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@dadopotamus

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

@Ygrene

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

@tomwalkerisgood

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

@LizerReal

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

@NurseMurderer

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

@IsMarshallOkay

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

@trumpetcake

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

@dumbbeezie

If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.

@bngzyface

I carry extra deodorant in my purse in case I get sweaty or so I can casually rub it on strangers.