A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Her: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?
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Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I carry extra deodorant in my purse in case I get sweaty or so I can casually rub it on strangers.