doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
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My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Ah..makes sense now
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
I’m confused about plants
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!