I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
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Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
How can I say no to this ?
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face