Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

“Trust your gut”

the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

She left me because I am insecure.

No wait, she’s back.

She just went to get a glass of water.

Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?

Asking for a friend…

…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.