[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
It do be feeling this way.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
A new level of troll.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Livid.