@HenpeckedHal

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

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@TheDailySchmuck

[Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant]

Cop: You’re under arrest.

Me: What’s the charge?

[Lowers sunglasses]

Cop: a salt and buttery.

@purch_s

Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.

@causticbob

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

@RandiLawson

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

@LOsepyan

Yes, your honor, but in my defense I thought he was stung by a jellyfish

@KrazykurtKurt

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

@shwebby2

Bars are Weird

Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product

@TequilaSaltlife

If you’re assigned green beans for thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

Just saying