[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

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[Eating unhealthy potato at restaurant]

Cop: You’re under arrest.

Me: What’s the charge?

[Lowers sunglasses]

Cop: a salt and buttery.


Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.


I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.


[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-


We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices


Yes, your honor, but in my defense I thought he was stung by a jellyfish


Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”


Bars are Weird

Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product


If you’re assigned green beans for thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

Just saying