my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
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nobody’s gonna understand
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Cndnsd Mlk
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober