Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My dating profile:
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”